Hey Reader!
These newsletters are inspired by the conversations I have with my athletes - the shared challenges, emotions, and triumphs that connect us.
Within this role I get an insight into the psycholgical barriers that create roadblocks for so many people, even when they feel isolating to that person.
While the physical journey of becoming a skilled runner is transformative, it’s the emotional side that often determines how successful, sustainable, and fulfilling this growth can be.
Today, I’m diving into a topic that might feel a bit taboo - it certainly did for me at first. To ensure we approach this with the depth and clarity it demands, I’ll be referencing insights from behavioral psychology, as this is a very nuanced conversation.
Before we dive in, let’s pause to reflect on why we run. Each of us has our own reasons for dedicating time, energy, and effort to improving our physical and mental fitness. But across these differences, one recurring challenge stands out as a major roadblock:
What happens when we never put ourselves first?
Putting Yourself First
I get it—you might have already checked out just reading the title.
We’re often told to be selfless, that giving to others is the greatest act of kindness. While there’s some truth in that, I’d argue it works best the other way around.
Stick with me here—I’d love to hear your thoughts after.
When We Never Put Ourselves First
What happens if we never put ourselves first?
At first glance, always prioritising others seems noble and selfless. But is it really?
In my experience, constantly putting others first can lead to burnout, frustration, and even depressive tendencies. When we only receive the leftover crumbs of our own energy, it’s tough to show up for ourselves. Anything we try to do in this state—whether for work, family, or personal goals—often feels half-hearted at best or like a demoralising failure at worst.
This pattern is common, especially among parents, caregivers, and those in demanding jobs. Research confirms this: studies on caregiver burnout show that chronic self-neglect can lead to emotional exhaustion, physical illness, and feelings of isolation (Schulz, 2017).
I’ll admit, though, the topic is complex. I coach many parents and grandparents, and I don’t have children myself. There are times when putting yourself first does mean giving to others—like caring for a sick child or supporting a struggling partner.
Research does show that prosocial behavior - acts of helping others - can enhance our sense of purpose and happiness (Aknin, 2013).
But when we never put ourselves first, we lose sight of who we are. Our identity becomes tangled up in serving others, leaving little room for our own growth, joy, or health (Dong, 2013).
It’s Okay to Put Yourself First
Let’s face it - there are always trade-offs in life. You might want to spend hours exploring a trail after a tough week, but responsibilities like parenting or work can make that unrealistic.
However, committing to something like a morning run - putting yourself first for even a short period - can have transformative effects. What happens when you do this?
You create space for your physical, emotional, and mental health. Running or exercising lets you reconnect with nature, strengthen social bonds, and rediscover parts of yourself. Research shows that consistent physical activity improves mood, energy levels, and even cognitive function (Dishman, 2006).
More importantly, you return to your family or responsibilities feeling more energised and engaged. You’ve set an example of prioritising health and movement, and your time with loved ones feels more meaningful.
It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone has a supportive environment. Unsupportive family or friends can make prioritising yourself incredibly difficult (Uchino, 2004). If that’s the case for you, this concept may feel far-fetched - but even small actions, like asking for help or carving out 10 minutes for yourself, can make a difference.
Feelings of Guilt and Everyday Reality
There is typically a situation of frustration, isolation, and burnout followed by feelings of guilt at the thought of putting oneself first. This guilt can stem from deeply ingrained societal expectations, especially for parents and caregivers (Elvin-Nowak & Thomsson, 2001).
But then comes the acceptance that if we do not put ourselves first, eventually everyone around us will suffer. This aligns with the "oxygen mask" analogy often used in self-care discussions - if you can’t breathe, you can’t help others.
This idea isn’t just theoretical. Chances are, you’ve felt the benefits of prioritising yourself before - whether through a workout, a walk, or even a quiet moment alone.
When we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t show up fully for others. And at that point, no one comes first.
How to Make It Work
So, what’s the solution? It starts with a routine.
- Create Boundaries: Set specific times when you are the priority. Communicate these boundaries with your family, friends, or coworkers, and involve them in the planning process. This helps create buy-in and acceptance.
- Reframe Self-Care: Instead of seeing self-care as selfish, view it as a way to give your best self to others. For example, a morning run might feel like “me time,” but it also improves your mood and energy for the rest of the day.
- Start Small: If dedicating an hour feels impossible, start with just 10 minutes. A short walk, some deep breathing, or a few stretches can set the tone for bigger changes.
- Stick to It: Consistency is key. Honor your commitments to yourself as you would for others.
Closing Thoughts
Putting yourself first doesn’t mean neglecting others. It means recognising that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Even small steps, like carving out a short moment for yourself, can ripple into meaningful change for you and those around you.
So, let me ask you: where can you carve out a little space to put yourself first today?
If you’re feeling inspired or have thoughts, I’d love to hear from you. Share your experiences or challenges with prioritising yourself - I’m always curious to learn more.
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Have a fantastic day!
James
Website | Email
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